


You should totally try green eggs and ham

by ofiuciocontuco



Category: DR. SEUSS - Works, Green Eggs and Ham (Cartoon), Green Eggs and Ham - Dr. Seuss, Green Eggs and Ham - Netflix, Green Eggs and Ham -Show
Genre: Dr seuss's characters, I think this is the first fic in the fandom, I tried to rhyme but I'm not Dr zeus, I'm Not Ashamed, Love Confession, M/M, Sam's Terrible Life, Sam's past will appear and/or be mentioned, Slow Burn, The title will be explained in future chapters, and hurray is gay, this fic is the alternative 2nd season for adults..., this is settled in the end of the 1st season
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-12
Updated: 2021-01-17
Packaged: 2021-01-29 07:03:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 12,460
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21406144
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ofiuciocontuco/pseuds/ofiuciocontuco
Summary: "Six months have passed since the Chickeraffe returned to his landBut that didn't mean to split the bandNow they all live near each other in the same townWhile Guy and Michellee live their love like two teensSam...keep being Sam I am with his lonely feels"
Relationships: Sam I Am / Guy I Am
Comments: 117
Kudos: 400





	1. Prologue

"Six months have passed since the Chickeraffe returned to his land  
But that didn't mean to split the band  
Now they all live near each other in the same town  
While Guy and Michellee live their love like two teens  
Sam...keep being Sam I am with his lonely feels"

The small blue pen trembled sadly as it finished writing a new failed poem. Sam sighed heavily, writing a confession of love was always so difficult or only when you tried to make it rhyme?

He knew perfectly well that his feelings weren't reciprocal but his heart was so insanely stubborn. He deeply loved Guy, he had fallen in love with him since the first time he saw him in the old café, he was trying to get his attention with twin suitcase jokes but Guy barely noticed him. And when he thought that all was lost, Guy searched his house and run away with him and the Chickeraffe. They had such a beautiful adventures together. Yeah, beautiful adventures in which he was all the time trying to flirt with him while the other never got it. 

Guy was so blind to see his efforts. What didn’t Sam do for that warm smile that popped out of his beloved’s lips?  
He quitted his profession, confessed his past, helped him conquer a woman, even if it broke his heart. Was it all worth it in the end? when he saw those eyes he always thought yes, but now that Guy was dating Michellee, he hardly spent any time with him. Deep down, in a dark secret place of his heart, he regretted.

Sam tried to ignore the bittersweet emotions of jealousy, but he didn’t always succeed. The intoxicating pain of unspoken emotions weighed on his body like a dark aura. Eventually, Sam himself avoided seeing Guy, fearing that his love would be an obstacle in his friend’s life.

He tried to think when was the last time he met Guy, a few weeks? One month? 

The questions burned inside him while he looked at the ceiling as if it magically had the answer that he was looking for.

No. He couldn’t go on like this. He wouldn't hold his feelings any longer.

Sam stood up for a jump.

He was determined, tomorrow he would confess his love even if that meant the end of their friendship.


	2. A great idea

They met in a café. It was a symbolic and nostalgic place for Sam, whilst for Guy it was an ordinary establishment where people used to socialize, drink and/or eat.

A long moment of silence passed as the two men regarded each other stonily. Neither of them was socially skilled, either due to excess or lack of communication, both could have a PhD in social awkwardness.

Sam was nervous, he felt as if his fur had turned into an annoying itchy sweater. In addition, now he struggled with the instincts to scratch and sweat. So he did what he always did, hiding his feelings with a big smile and hide his face behind the menu (well, the last one was a new tactic).

Guy raised his newspaper and his eyes settled on it, but he wasn’t really reading it.  
It was the look of a man out of his body, like a pure mind fighting with his own thoughts and feelings.

Sam stared at him “Come on big guy, what is the matter?” said softly with his typical smile

Guy sighed 

“There is a burdering question that I have been thinking for a long time...I just don’t know how to say it because it makes me feel so vulnerable and dumb….” 

“You can tell me whatever you want buddy”

“Do you think Michellee is ready for another marriage?”

The menu fell from his hands while the words floated in the air. It hurt Sam more than he had thought it would. He bit his lower lip, fighting back the emotions that threatened to wash over him. The brown hat man didn’t even notice it and continued with his monologue 

“Yeah, you’re right it’s too soon for such a thing. Besides, when I think of what happened with her last husband the idea sound less tempting. I don't want to bring up the past, I want to build a new present and future with her…”

“ Look on the bright side, if you two get married I can be the best man” replied Sam with a sad smile. _ Yep, I can do it even if I know that I am the best man for you, _ thought to himself. 

“ How about if we live together without marriage, I bet I could be EB’s stepdad... on the other hand, it is a science fact that living together ruins % 95 of love relationships...so it’s more secure if we just continue the way we are”

“You worry to much, all what you have to do is follow your heart dummie”

“The heart is an organ that only pumps blood” Replied annoyed Guy

“And an organ that also pumps feelings. Boing” said the red hat man as he touched his partner's nose

“You don’t understand, there are so many options..why there are a lot of choices? that means a lot of possibilities to fail”

“Ow, that means a lot of lovely choices! I’m sure that you will do it great, just as all what you do Guy”

There was another sigh, this one more annoyed than amused.

Both men sink their faces in paper, one in the newspaper while the other in the café’s menu. Guy tried to distract his mind with news, for example, Flerz was named the new C.E.O. of Snerzco, that was pretty cool for a living wig. 

“'Okay, boys. What can I get ya?'” interrupted the waitress breaking the silence

“Hmm. Tough call. Let me see. Lot of choices here” Sam said mockingly “what’s it gonna be? Purple pancakes…that sounds lovely” 

Guy glanced annoyed, he knew what game Sam was playing and he wasn’t with enough patience for that (spoiler alert, he never was).

“Do you have any specials?” continued the little one

The brown hat man quickly removed the menu from his hands and completed the order of green eggs and ham.

Without the menu to hide his body language, Sam leaned on his arms as he stared at him with puppy-Iove eyes. Guy always made great gestures without realizing it.

When the taller one notice how the other looked at him, he mistook the gesture of someone who has fallen in love for someone who is mocking at you. Guy quickly excused himself.

“ I like them. A conclusion I would’ve eventually come to on my own”

“Mm-hmm”

“ Thank you for getting me to try them, okay? Thank you, Sam-I-Am”

It was a genuine thank-you that filled sam’s heart.

They both exchanged glances and smiles in a calm and happy silence.

While the narrator was talking, Sam assessed if it was a good idea to talk about his feelings at the time. Even the narrator put him in the friendzone. Nothing was left but to resign oneself. He could restrain his feelings for days, months even years. At least, he would be at Guy’s side forever and watch him smile from time to time.

The boys toasted their green eggs and started to eat them.

When the egg entered Sam's mouth a big idea entered in his mind. 

His lips froze and his eyes screwed with his eyelids wide open.

He didn't need to confess his emotions right now, he needed a new adventure with Guy until he found the perfect time to tell him.

It was a little lie that brought them together the first time and it would be another little lie that would bring them together again.

“mom” sam exclaimed

And so with a little manipulation here and some little acting skills there, the two gentlemen began their journey to East Flubria.


	3. Has the cat got your tongue?

Michelle was standing on the slight slope of her home garden, with the last rays of the sun shining behind. She gnashed her teeth in bitter anger as the time goes in and approached the night. It was a quarter past six by then...Guy was supposed to have arrived two hours ago for their daily walk and chat about their routines and at that time exactly he used to help EB with her homework. It was an available discount of 2x1 in letting people down: two women disappointed by the same man, a real promotion.

She glanced at the screen of her phone, it was the fifth failed call.

_Where the hell was Guy? He had better have a very good explanation for this! _ thought furious Michelle as she entered in her house.

Four hundred meters up, absurdly and almost inexplicably Sam and Guy were flying on the plane to East Flubria inside a suitcase. _ And no, there was no good explanation for this _ Guy’s mind was trying to summarize how he had been dragged by Sam’s follies once again. He just chased him in his crazy career and all of a sudden, they both ended up inside a suitcase.

He had trouble thinking, there was no space or air. Saying they were tight was a very short description for how they were. The non-existent physical space, their limbs mixed and cornered, he had trouble breathing with Sam's knee crushing his chest.

“Well, aren't we briefcase buddies?” the red hat man joked with evident mockery

Guy growled annoyed while pushed the cheerful tramp away with a brutal kick to the ribs that was strong enough to open the suitcase from the inside.

For a moment there was peace and quiet in the dark. Guy worried that he might have hurted Sam. He was bending over to ask his partner if he was well, when a terrible light erupted ready to attack his corneas with the same brutality as a dentist with a bad day or a fashion designer who thought fluorescent clothes were a good idea.

“Smile!” exclaimed the smaller one with a childish giggle after taking a photo with the killer flash.

"what the hell are you doing?" said Guy while he snarled in pain and rubbed his eyes 

"Commemorating our first travel by airplane! This is one of the few means of transport that we didn't use! We've traveled by car, train, box and…"

“That's not what I mean. I mean what are you doing sneaking in a baggage container when we could travel like normal passengers and actually pay for our ticket?”

“Could we? With what salary exactly? We are both happy unemployed”

“I have savings”

“And now you can continue having them my good sir, you’re welcome”

“Ugh, you’re impossible sometimes!”

“Oh don’t be grumpy! Besides it spare us the trouble with the police”

“POLICE? why are you being search by the police?”

“Because it’s illegal to be this handsome” Sam replied with a mischievous smile as he imitated the pose of the wanted posters

“What did you do Sam I-Am?”

“Ohh we can play my favorite game of all time, guess what’s in every suitcase!”

“Sam stop avoiding the subject”

“I'm not avoiding the subject, I'm playing around the subject!” 

“SAM!”

“I appreciate your concern my friend but it's a healthier attitude if we just leave the past behind us and look forward”

“THIS WHOLE TRIP IS ABOUT DIGGING UP YOUR DAMN PAST!!”

Guy’s words hit Sam’s chest like bullets. The spark of his playful spirit was gone, his shoulders slumped as a tormented look spread across his features. Guy immediately regretted his words,he couldn't stand the sight of such a sad face, it was like kicking a puppy.

His train of thought was interrupted when Sam spoke again.

“there is not much to dig … is pretty obvious that the police are looking for me because I'm a wanted criminal”

Guy looked at his friend as if he were a strange animal that he was observing for the first time, he used to forget that little detail. _ He was a criminal. _ Guy began to reflect back on how many things he thought he knew but he didn’t really know.

He stared in silence to Sam who continued with his monologue as a defendant called to the stand

“I'm not proud of my past and what I did.I want a fresh start for a new and improved me. And for that I need to understand my origin”

“Sam I just don't understand how someone so sweet could possibly turn... so bad. You could have been the star employee of any job, why be a thief?”

Sam laughed to himself, if only his friend knew he was a star in the underworld...His mind suddenly recalled all those endless nights of insomnia that he used to suffer before meeting Guy. _ Why be a thief? _ so many times he asked himself that question. 

“ Well...It all started up with really bad life choices that pile up like a giant snowball. Suddenly you discover yourself inside the snowball rolling downhill, picking up more and more and more terrible choices but you can’t stop it because you don’t know how to get out so you just keep rolling” Sam said, his voice choked with emotion, plunged into grief.

He would never admit that the driving force behind all his mischievous actions was his fury. He was furious with her mother who left him, furious at the world that give a shit about him, furious at being so sad and so lonely. 

"I’m so glad you don’t keep rolling," Guy said as he hugged him. Sam’s mind stopped while his happy heart beat fast. When he hugged him back a small tear slid down his cheek. _ Guy always made great gestures without realizing it. _

“So...Heey...how do you play your suitcase guess game?” asked the brown hat man trying to break the silence

The little one recover his usual smile and childish attitude. Long hours have passed full of laughter and games, but all was interrupted when Guy find out a very strange and enormous box. 

“Thing number one and thing number two?” Guy read out loud “Hey Sam, who you think could write such a stupid thing in the box?” said laughing at his own joke

Sam paused absolutely terrified. The suitcase that he was carrying fell from his trembling hands...even the white fur of his face became whiter.

“He is here”

“Who?”

“We have to escape from here Guy. Open the door and jump!”

“Stop talking nonsense. Need I remind you that we are in a plane over a thousand feet high?”

“I know, but we’re safer jumping off a plane than being on the same place as the Cat in the Hat” in his despair Sam climbed up to Guy’s shoulders and began to shake him up

“Look I don't know of who're you talking about but you need to calm down and breathe buddie”

“Lisent to me! The Cat in the hat is the greatest villain of all time! Where he sets foot, he sows chaos and destruction. Under no circumstances should he know that I am h..-” he was unable to conclude his words before the door burst open.

As if his fear was a spell that could summon up the most terrible demon of his past, a shiny and feline smile drawn in the dark and a red hat with white stripes was starting to show in the light.

“I can't believe my eyes  
I should stop to fantasize  
Isn't It the boy who I adoptee?  
It's indeed, my beloved thing number three” 

The cat claw menacingly pointed to Sam


	4. The encounter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, first at all I wasn't supposed to be posting this today (I wasn't even supposed to writte now this chapter) but since I've seen everyone so excited with the fic I couldn't resist. (warning I posible continue editing this chapter... there are parts that are still a draft...sorry)
> 
> I want to thank to all the wonderful artist that draw fanarts of this, I'm spechless, you're all incredible and tremendly talented. I will leave here the links of the ones that I found or the author's shared with me.
> 
> https://azulytoon.tumblr.com/post/189203366300/you-should-totally-try-green-eggs-and-ham  
https://snail-with-powers.tumblr.com/post/189208479495/this-fandom-is-going-to-be-great-why-because-we  
https://meowcatthings.tumblr.com/post/189226572088/i-read-a-fic-on-ao3-where-the-cat-in-the-hat-was
> 
> Welp, hope you all like this crazy ride!!
> 
> Don't forget I'm still searching for a Beta reader (that means someone to help me to properly writte in english)

There are chords, phrases or words that do not dissolve easily like the rest of the sounds. They remain viscously suspended in the air, thickening the environment, thus contributing to weaving a suffocating silence. It was an awkward situation like the silence generated by the annoying squeal of a chalk pressed against the blackboard. No other shocking revelation could have dazzled Guy’s mind more violently: Sam was adopted by a villain.

It was so annoying to clearly see the lack of knowledge that he had about his friend or this stranger in a striped hat. What devious life's little quirks spit him out in such a weird situation? He was an inventor, a genius and yet, at that moment, he felt like the stupidest of all.

Once more he gazed upon Sam. The look on his friend's face implied violence and fear. It was like the face of a soldier in the line of fire prepared to flee as well as to attack.

The silence began to weigh as an annoying manifestation and even the cat’s smile began to wane.

“What is this? a staring contest? What a boring turning!” hiss the cat with a childish tone “Oh, wait...Holy smokes slowdown!” he exclaimed excited “it’s a cowboy showdown!”

When the cat raised its fingers mimicking the gesture of a gun, Sam jumped quickly on Guy to get him off the trajectory of the shot. Then, in fright, Guy saw in the ground the marks of shooting and how the cat blew the smoke that came out from his broken gloves.

He certainly had no time to understand the situation, Sam quickly grabbed his arm and forced him to run towards the stacked briefcase tower.

“how the hell did he do that with his fingers?” Guy asked astonished

“The cat always has tricks under his hat” answered Sam with a shrug as if it were ridiculously obvious. He helped Guy to start climbing the briefcase tower.

“Indeed number three, under my hat I have many tricks” the feline voice said snidely

The cat took off his hat and as if the garment was an erupting volcano, went off shot what seemed to be strange black-haired balls. The balls started to move, they were in fact an exact duplicate of the cat with the only difference that they were smaller and they had written each one a letter on the hat.

The tiny cats (from A to Z) spread all over the room and started to haunted them. A hairy tsunami full made of cats loomed over them. The two friends climbed higher up the luggage towers in a futile escape attempt.

“how do you think he did the finger trick? do you think he has a miniature gun or a miniature nail catapult?” Guy snarled between gasping breaths while he beated the tiny cats with a golf club which he had taken from a random suitcase.

“Seriously, are you still thinking about it? How do you find that weirder than the clones that came out of his hat?” replied Sam as he struggled with the cats

“It’s easier to hide a cloning machine in a hat than a gun on a finger. I mean, look at him! his gloves are very small. How he did it?”

“Don’t try to understand and just run”

The moment of distraction was fatal, an avalanche of miniature cats pounced upon Sam

“GUY RUN” shouted his friend under the furry mountain that seized him

But Guy didn’t obey. He made a hit that would have made a golfer and a professional bowler prideful cry, with a single strike he freed his companion.

Without a minute to lose, he handed Sam the golf club as he began to open suitcases and disembowel its contents without any care.

“Guy what are you doing?”

“I’m doing what I’m worse, I’m making inventions!”

Sam smiled and sighed excited. That was the phrase he always liked to hear.

Finally, with a couple of tools, springs, gloves, dynamite and cogwheels he created an arsenal of mechanical toys in a jiffy. Guy motioned for his friend to move, he understood the message and ran as far as he could from the cats. Funnily, with the same logic as using a grenade, he activated his invention and threw it against the clones.

The explosion was imminent and effective, the tiny cats blew up and fell as inoffensive dust or lint.

“An explosion? How thrilling  
But I have a new trick that will be drilling!”

A terrible tremor began, the suitcases started shaking as if it were a terrible earthquake under their feet. The luggage in which Sam and Guy were standing began to rise and detach from the rest. They jumped in time before the strange machine tore everything apart and hit the roof.

In a bunch of smoke and noise, rose up an absurdly formidable spectacle. From the destroyed suitcases emerged a giant machine drill. The gates opened burst open and some strange beings came down, two wicked wild blue-haired men that laughed like schoolgirls smoking weed.

Guy was able to see that the red clothes of strangers had written “thing number 1” and “thing number 2”. Well, that is at least one mystery solved, thought to himself the poor scientist.

The things approached to them menacingly while Sam and Guy discovered with horror the wall behind their backs. They came to a sad conclusion that there was nowhere to run, they were pinned down..

The situation was so bloody and dangerously absurd, as if the logic and sanity turned into a derailed train that ran over pedestrians.

“WHY CAN'T WE JUST DISCUSS THIS LIKE CIVILIZED PEOPLE WITH TEA AND COOKIES?” Guy voiced outrage, and then slammed his hand down the wall.

“you’re totally right my good sir!  
Thing number 1 and thing number 2  
Please do your best with our guest”

The evil beings took some duc-tapes from the giant drill and threw themselves at them.

Sam and Guy screamed in terror and spread their arms out as if their hands could save them. They closed their eyes with the same frightful certainty of death that has a condemned before being shoot. When they opened their eyes again, they realized with horror that they were tied (and almost mummified) to the wall.

The cat and his minions stood before them, smiling evily.

Guy stared at his captors, the Things had strange objects in their hands: one held a hose and the other a box. He knew they were up to no good

“Now, pour the tea please.”commanded the cat with an almost sweet voice

Thing number 1 devilishly laughed as he soaked the two prisoners in boiling tea.

Sam and Guy twisted like worms, the pain was unbearable

“would you like a cookie too?” the villain offered with an hypocritical smile

Then, Thing number 2 opened the box and threw cookies at their faces

The cat bend down and took a closer look at Sam. He smile with a friendly gesture, as if he would had never tortured them.

“Oh, we haven’t meet in such a long time!  
We’ve so many things to talk  
Like for example, why did you leave crime?”the feline smile disappeared on the final line making him look even more scary

“I’ve grown up! I can make my own decisions” replied annoyed Sam

Guy looked at his friend perplexed. The whole situation was too odd, it was already hard to understand the whole adoption concept but seeing his friend acting so aggressive and blunt was unnatural. He felt like he was trapped in an alternate dimension and had to put the pieces together.

“ don't talk to me about growing up! what kind of adult doesn’t know how to properly kidnap a chickeraffe?” Screamed annoyed the cat with his sharp finger pointing at his face

Guy was surprised once again, the cat could speak without rhymes. Meanwhile, Sam didn’t even deign to reply or look at his feline attacker, his gesture between boring and annoying looked at an unknown corner of the room.

"every time I'd watched the news I was more outraged, I raised you with the best evil inventions that a villain could wish for. You from all people, the world's biggest expert on lying, theft and manipulation, you were acting like a damn amateur. What the hell is wrong with you Thing number 3?” he yelled angrily with his face slightly red from the fury.

Even in its confused state, the indignation consumed him.

“He's not a thing” said Guy breaking off the discussion.

A dangerous silence weighed on them. Sam watched him with a begging gesture of “Please just shut up and be safe” but guy didn’t notice and continued with his haughty pose.

"His name is Sam" finally sentenced

The cat and the Things looked at each other perplexed and laughed like crazy, as if it were the best joke they’d ever heard. The cat walked over Guy with still some tears of laughter on his face.

“He has no name. He renounced at his name the day I adopted him. That's how villainy works, you earn the privilege of having a name from your evil deeds”

“It wasn't an actual adoption, you kidnapped me” Sam scream with feigned anger desperately trying to turn the attention away from Guy

“I prefer the term ‘consensual kidnapping’. No one forced you to come with me” said the Cat while he was turning to Sam

“You locked me in a cage every night!” continued the red hat man

“And it helped you to strengthen your character and learn how to escape from jail. It also showed you who’s the one in charge. So it was the greatest teaching method if you ask me”

Sam spit on the cat in a defiant gesture

“You haven’t changed a bit over the years” said the cat with a dismissive gesture as he wiped the spittle off his face “I still have to put you in your place” he raised his fists ready to strike

“leave him alone!” yelled Guy

“Leave him Alone?" The cat laughed again "That is what he hates more: loneliness. Believe me, I know. I used to punish him with that…In fact you give me a good idea”

“Do not even dare to touch him” Sam drew strength from a reserve until then unknown and managed to take off his arms from the duct-tape trap. He scooped him up from the cat’s red bun and shake him threateningly.

The villain remained calm. And then, a strange mechanism rose from the tip of the cat’s hat, the artifact with gloves and a teaser tag, immediately electrocuted Sam right away.

“SAM” blurted out worried Guy

“Don’t worry, I’m fine” he said still trembling from the electric shock "It was just what the doctor recommended, 1,200 volts every day" Sam joked with his usual smile

“I notice that you two are constantly interrupting me with your annoying little heroic acts. what is up with you? are you lovers or what?” he inquired annoyed

The cat quietly observed with scientific precision the reactions of both. While Sam’s white fur reddened immediately, Guy did not hesitate to explain that they were just friends. The case was more serious than he thought, it’s one thing to give up your career for your lover, but it was quite another to abandon everything for a platonic love. He knew all along that Thing number 3 was the most skillful as well as the most weak hearted thing, but he never believed that he was so desperate for such a little piece of love...

“I see… you left the villainy so you could be with him. Isn’t it?” The feline voice sighed heavily.

“I left it because I wanted to”

“don't you even dare lying to me young man. Don't forget: I'm the one who taught you that stuff!”

"Another proof of how bad you are as a teacher" replied cocky the red hat man

"Ugh you're impossible sometimes"

Sam finished peeling off the tape trap. He rise up with many sores some hairs still hurt.

“Are you ready for another game?” asked the cat defiant

Sam measure the situation, in a one-on-three match, he couldn’t win. He could scape but that meant abandoning Guy, which he wasn’t willing to do.

“Nah, I’m trying to be a do-gooder soul and listen what you have to say my old chum... After you speak you will leave and we will never see each other again”

“Do you wanna bet?”

“I can’t, do-gooders do not bet”

“Coward move”

“Perhaps, but I’m listening”

The cat sat down heavily and folded his hands with such a tired gesture that could be only compared with the weariness of a clerk after his boring routine or a parent who doesn’t know how to deal with his son’s whims.

“Fine, okay. I will try to be civilized for once”

The cat gestured to his minions to sit down. Maybe out of habit, maybe because he relaxed, Sam also imitated them and sat down.

“I will explain you why this is a bad idea with a story  
And then you’ll beg to come back and say ‘I’m sorry’

I don’t know if you know or have a clue  
That many years ago a villain did the same as you  
He was called the grinch and he was famous because his heart measure one inch  
But destiny is cruel, and the man who ruined christmas abandoned everything like a fool  
Just because a little girl told him not to do

He said he discover love and had a change of heart  
So a new life he start  
But the world is not kind to a recovering evildoer  
Because if you tried to look for a job, you’ll find fewer

At the end, the only ones who hired him was a paint watcher’s company  
He looked at his debts and accepted grumpily  
Oh, how much he wanted to cry while he watched the paint go dry  
He missed so much the old days full of crime

The end”

It wasn’t necessary to be a genius to understand the message and the threats

“Oh, wow” exclaimed Sam “First of all, I want to make a little constructive criticism: paint watcher is a solid, practical, fall-back profesion”

“ YOU WOULDN’T LAST EVEN AN HOUR IN THAT JOB” screamed angrily the cat

Guy for a moment observed the cat in silent empathy, he used to thought similar to him, thinking that changes are bad or dangerous, that the world is hideous and it will haunt you down. Of course he never did certain details like kidnapping people, stealing or torturing someone so he would obey you.

“ Why can't you understand that your son can make his own decisions?” asked the brown hat man

“I’m not his son!” "He’s not my son" they both shout in unison

“What?” Guy’s poor mind was collapsing “but the cat said he adopted you”

“Yeah, but as my future successor. Look if you don’t know anything, do us a favor and shut up. You’re interrupting an important discussion”

“Hey that’s rude, apologize like a civilized person” said Sam scolding the cat

His face was growing dark with rage while he snarled and tightened his teeth, this is why he couldn’t be civilized

“I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOUR LIP!  
I WILL DESTROY YOU WITH A NEW TRICK” sentenced the cat giving a strong kick to the ground

The Things quickly ran toward the giant drill and the strange machine returned to life. In the twilight of the room a new fearsome battle was being prepared, from the cat’s hat sprout mechanical arms ready to cut and hit. Sam and Guy were once again surrounded by a tangle of violent devices. The cat smiled evil and triumphantly.

Far away from there, EB was bored watching TV. Actually, she was supposed to be doing her math homework but procrastinating was more fun even if it meant watching a boring documentary about a giant mountain entirely made of jelly.

The monotone voice of the documentary narrated how the Mount Jell-O Everest was created, the amazing story of a young farmer that finally reach money and fame in the anual Jell-O Contest of town. EB sighed bored while she watched the happy face of the farmer with his family, everyone's smile were so ridiculous white that they seemed come from an advertising of toothpaste. Wasn’t there anything good on TV?

It was then when the program was interrupted by urgent news. Her eyes opened wide and her mouth drew an O of horror. The news were so terrible that for a moment she missed being bored.


	5. Safe but fucked up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter couldn't have been realized without the invaluable help of my two beta-readers: @Frant1cat and @chonis.dream. Even azulytoons help me with some crazy ideas.
> 
> It’s amazing the help and support I’ve received from this fandom, thank you all so much for always being so great. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy the girl's chapter! (we need more fics that gives Michellee and EB a good place)

As soon as Michellee entered the house, her daughter was waiting for her. The child was in a state of utter despair, a pure tangle of words and nerves. Before the mother could understand what the little one was babbling about at full speed, she was dragged into the living room.

She saw the TV on and the nightmare came without delay

Two reporters with plastic smiles and immaculate hair commented about an aviation emergency.

“The cat in the hat, what a total wack!" Exclaimed the blond reporter with a happiness similar to a crow when it watched a rancid corpse

" One of the most fearful villains has returned and with a very particular hostage situation…" completed the woman reporter with her ‘answering machine’ charisma, the woman was putting the papers on the desk

"Indeed. It’s rare to take hostages on a moving plane when you can do it once it lands, but taking hostages and taking them to the roof of a moving plane, that’s a calamity! And to top it all off, we have exclusive footage provided by the villain’s henchmen" continued the blond one, his voice of pleasure was more genuine than an average headset or his hairstyle

The poorly recorded video read the description of "broadcast live". It seemed filmed by a terminally ill Parkinson who enjoyed strange surrealist shots. Sometimes pointed to the floor, at times do an unnecessary zoom in the eye and it even failed in capturing a clean frame. 

It took Michellee a while to understand that what she saw was a cat with a striped hat.

“This is a communique for all the adorable vermin  
I know we’re going through a rough patch, it’s concerning  
Gossip spread, we’re all raucous when our best man lost his focus”  
The cat rhymed as he dragged Sam from the shoulders near the camera, the little Who tried to protect his identity by hiding his face behind the red hat

“Is that Sam?” asked alarmed Michellee to a screen that would never reply to her

“And, it’s about to get worse” prognosticate her daughter

Meanwhile the digital cat continued talking

“I blame christmas songs, the lack of bombs and pogroms  
But we must stay strong and keep doing all what is wrong  
No one needs to leave the villainy, you just need inspiration!  
And I’ve the greatest trick for the occasion” said sweetly as if he were lulling some children before going to sleep

“I called it ‘hostage situation’” sentenced the cat breaking up with his sweet character. He pulled from his hat a strange weapon that looked like a thing designed by a lover of science fiction and Christmas lights

The cat pointed the gun at the head of his hostage (who seemed more mummified than bound by the amount of duct-tapes)

Michellee couldn’t help but notice that the hostage’s brown hat was eerily similar to Guy’s hat...but that was impossible! it had to be, the news was being given near Jellytown more than 800 kilometers from there.

“thing number 3 or Sam or whatever your name is…” continued the cat 

“I'm going to kill this guy if you don't….Wait a minute. What was your name again?”

“Guy” answered a stupefied scientist who had not yet fully understood the situation but he was aware of the danger

“Oh, how convenient!” he roar excited “I'm going to kill this Guy if you don't ruin this airplane on the next 45 minutes!!” 

It was definitely them.

Michellee’s pupils were dwarfed by panic.

Of all the impacts imaginable, none is as demonic as finding your loved ones in a grotesque note from the National Television News.

“Mum, we need to save them” exclaimed EB with a sincere fear in her heart

Michellee swallowed and nodded mindlessly

The picture itself was as simple as it was absurd. Evidently, they went off on some crazy new adventure and ended up in trouble...they left without even saying goodbye, without even saying where they were going...they left without them

Guy left her again.

She clenched her teeth in anger.

As stunned and chaotic as her mind was, anger rose above all others with the same ferocity as a spoiled poodle or a professional boxing fighter.

“Stay in the house, EB! Mom’s gonna save some idiots' ass and come back in time for dinner”

“No way mum, I’m totally going with you” 

“No way young lady, you have to do your math homework! You will stay at home Elanabeth, I’m not asking you” 

Eb was about to respond with one of her sarcastic answers when her mother slammed the door. She frowned annoyingly, if her mother thought she would stay in the house and do something so boring as math when all her friends were in danger, she could keep dreaming.

Michellee went into the garage and without a second to blink, she got inside the car. Anger oozed from every pore. She stretched out her arms and, with a slap-like gesture, moved the rear-view mirror so aggressively that it could have awakened a ghost from his eternal rest.Technically it was what was happening, today was the day when the car would go back to its insane old ways, like those days of splendor with its previous owner.

Michellee opened the glove compartment and pulled out a small gray hammer that reads “In case of breaking the rules, break this glass”. The broken glass was none other than the one in the speedometer.

The engine purred aggressively, preparing for the charge. It was a horribly familiar sound, but Michellee had neither the time nor the mood to remember old ghosts.

It was difficult to contain patience and avoid anticipating the next second, like a lion about to start its hunt or an addict about to inject heroin.

With a move that would have blacked out a traffic inspector, Michellee tore the car off and shot out at such speed that she turned her garage door into a hole and left little traces of fire on the floor.

……………………….

EB felt as if she was inside a roller coaster, a brutal roller coaster, without seatbelts and completely in darkness. She was hiding in the trunk of the car, and she was having the best time of all. When the car hit a pothole, it felt like she was sinking and bouncing through all her internal organs, while she jumped and crashed into the rest of the objects. And when it took a speed bump, the car seemed to fly a few inches. It was such an invigorating experience! 

A scream of emotion escaped from her lips and revealed her perfect hiding place

“EB?!” she heard in fear the distant voice of her mother “Why’re you in the car? You should be in the house!”, the woman growled resigned “Agh, nevermind. I don’t have time to come back”

“but now you can hear my rescue plan” screamed the child

"Oh no young lady, you'll be the one hearing me" exclaimed angrily her mum "you sneak in without my permission and now you're in the only place of the car where there is no seatbelts. What were you thinking?"

"I WAS THINKING OF HELPING YOU!"

“HELPING ME BY DOING WHAT? PUTTING YOURSELF IN DANGER?”

“DO YOU EVEN HAVE A PLAN MUM OR YOU’RE JUST DRIVING MADLY?” 

There was a meditative silence 

“Fine, tell me your plan...but you know you’ll be grounded after this, right?”

Even if Michellee didn't take her eyes off the road, EB could feel that her mother was serious, her silence became more and more threatening.

The girl swallowed 

“Ok” she replied 

All will be worthwhile at the end of the day EB thought in the dark as she held in her arms the object that would be key to her rescue plan.

………….  
Far away from there in another mean of transport, the silence weighed even more dangerously. When the cat was done with the straming, he yawned and stretched himself. His joints sounded like fritters and rusty gears. Damn, he was too old for all this.

“You” said motioning to Thing 1 “hold this” ordered while he hand over his gun to him “and you” said to Thing 2 “You better hold the hostage steady” 

The Things obeyed reluctantly

“Come on work! why a villain would have minions if it’s not to make them do the dirty work? Besides, I wouldn’t like to stain my pretty hat with his blood” exclaimed touching his hat

The henchmen laughed evilly

Sam had lost his sweet and cheerful face to a taciturn and nervous one. Once again, it was him against the cat. They were staring at each other, measuring their forces, in a sort of invisible and mental chess. Sam stared at the scene and mentally measured the distances between their captors. It was a risky plan but it was the only one he had.

“What do you mean by ruin the plane exactly?” asked Sam trying to buy time

“Anything that comes to your mind when I say that word” 

"What if anything comes to my mind? I mean 45 minutes? That's just so little time, it’s not enough for a decent plan" said as he approached to the Things cautiously

"I'm not looking for decency" reply the Cat running out of patience

The villain started to massage his temples with an exhausted expression. Truth being told, he didn't know how to handle hostage situations, perhaps it was his eccentricity or his anxiety. He liked to define himself as an action man more than a salesman. 

"Soo, you're not going to give more time?"

"No"

"What if you do it? It’s a great way to teach me how to do It" he stated while he posisionate in the strategic point

"No"

"But I don't have any idea" the little knox slowly took his hand to his red hat pretending innocence “Afterall, I'm a good guy now" 

"You better connect with your inner evil side because you've 30 minutes left" replied furiously the cat while he looked at his watch.

Sam pulled out from his hat his favorite dish of all time.

“What are you doing?” asked the cat incredulously

“Anxiety makes me hungry” replied relaxed as he cut a slice of ham and put it in his mouth “Mhh, they’re really good on a plane” gasped licking his lips

“YOU SHOULD TOTALLY TRY THEM!” screamed while in a quick motion he threw the eggs in the eyes of Thing 1 making him drop his weapon. Immediately after, he ran and in a split second hit with a ham to Thing 2. He made it with such force that he threw him away from Guy. Then, he took the gun off the ground, pointed to the cat and shot.

He waited for an impact that never came, only the sound of his fingers pulling the trigger filled the uncomfortable silence.

The cat stood up in a triumphant sovereign pose

“You’re right, you’re such a good guy now that you didn’t even notice that the gun was a trap” said as he approached Sam and took the gun from his hands

“How did you…” tried to ask Sam but he failed, the words were stocked in his throat. He was paralyzed, panicking. Suddenly, his own weight was too much for his poor knees and he fell to the ground in a sad gesture of defeat.

“Because I know you too well my dear...” he replied coming dangerously close to Guy “I know you never hesitate with a trigger on your finger” the feline’s voice was similar to a tired teacher in front of a very difficult student.

There was something in the way the cat spoke those words that sent a chill all over Guy’s spine. He knew that Sam was a criminal but was him a murder too?. Of course, he didn’t like to think bad about his friend. Afterall, he was trying his best to protect him but doubts sank like bitter nails into his heart. There were too many things he didn’t know about him.

“so, any other brilliant idea?” asked the cat while his hands touched the duck-tapes that tied up Guy, the threat was clear.

“What if I paint the plane with horrible colors, that would be enough mean for you?” joked Sam

“I’m this close to paint the plane with your friend’s guts” The cat growls as he gestured with his claws

“Your fingers are touching”

“Oh, I know” he pronounced malignantly while he kicked Guy out of the plane’s roof to a deadly fall

Sam swooped in to catch him by catching him by the ears. Guy grunted in pain, feeling as if at any moment the flesh and ears would come off from his skull.

"Just for the record,you can't criticize how I steal a chickeraffe if you kill the hostage before time" exclaimed Sam while he tried to hold up his friend’s heavy body with all his strength. It was too hard. Someone really needed to lose some weight.

"YOU EXASPERATING LITTLE BRAT, YOU NEVER APPRECIATE ALL WHAT I DID FOR YOU! BUT GUESS WHAT? YOU’RE NOTHING WITHOUT ME, YOU NEED MY HELP”

“I DON’T” screamed angrily Sam, he was so absorbed by the fight that in his attempt to confront the cat he didn’t notice that he was shaking his friend dangerously in the abyss.

Guy began to hyperventilate. That was it, he had lived his last day, he was going to die there, in an absurd quarrel that he didn’t even fully understand.

"STOP FIGHTING YOU TWO AND GET ME OUT OF HERE!" Shouted Guy being horribly aware of the mortal height

“Guy hold on!” Sam screamed waking up from the situation. The awareness of his friend’s danger hit his mind like a brick, sweat and anxiety were streaming down his face.

The cat smiled at the show, it was too perfect. It looked rehearsed.

"You see? You need my help to save your friend and I can do it for a price" exclaimed the cat with his best salesman’s voice

“NOOOO” scream angrily Sam tugging with all his might. Miraculously, the body's weight was becoming lighter and lighter...and lighter? wait, what was happening? 

Underneath Guy was a strange flying machine that they recognized immediately, it was the new model of the unicopter! 

The new design of this flying machine looks like if someone wanted to make an avion but without seeing it, building it from what they remembered what was a plane.This absence of real reference was catastrophic, the apparatus was a swarm of mechanical arms and white gloves, that twisted desperately as if it were trying to swim in the air. 

The cat’s eyelids rose in a gesture of genuine surprise “What the heck is going on?” croaked confused

“Backup's just arrived!” replied mischievously Sam with a winning smile

Some robotic hands sprouted from the striped hat and gave binoculars to the cat. He was able to discern in the distance, the silhouette of those women that were responsible for ruining his plans. He grunted annoyingly, he never liked meddlers.

Guy sighed relieved while he was ascending out of danger. That device was the last model that he built together with EB for her science fair. 

His mind froze in horror at the last thought...

The machine started shaking to the sound of a sharp, mechanical squeak, it was like someone was choking it. Heavy black balls of smoke were dangerously coming out of the engine.

“SAM, IT’S GONNA EXPLODE!” Guy desperately scream

Sam took Guy from the duck-tapes so he wouldn’t hurt him and, with a force that he didn’t even know he had, he threw him in the middle of the plane. The plan turned out much better than he had originally thought, because the sticky duck-tapes glued his hands and so that he ended up being dragged too. Now they were as far as they could from the explosion, which soon started.

Meanwhile, the cat in the midst of that dizzying situation, executed his escape plan: once again a new device sprouted out of his hat, this time the object looked like a rocket. Then with a loud whistle called the things that were thrown at his feet as domesticated dogs. The three evil creatures flew through the air.

The explosion occurred and shook the entire plane. A dance of fire and gear unfolded joyfully on one of the wings, the smoke emerged as a waterfall. And after that the most terrifying thing happened, the plane abandoned its stability and began to descend at full speed.

Panic ensued among all people, from Sam and Guy who were on the rooftops attached by the duck-tapes, to the poor and impoverished members of the plane that were inside. The horrible spectacle of smoke and fire, distorted all the faces in a gesture of horror and tore from all the throats the most frightful screams.  
……

As an irrefutable proof of an impossible feat, the car proudly rose on the ground. Well, “proudly” was actually a word too big for what it was the appearance of the object, it was now a pile of junk. It looked like a bunch of metal scraps thrown to the ground with his ruined paint, his missing rear-view mirror, the wheels burned and the engine broken. Fortunately, the mother and the child were able to get out in time before the vehicle collapsed. That were the small costs of making 835 kilometers in less than 15 minutes. Something called reality should have prevented that absurd disregard for the rules of transit and quantum physics. But then again, there was nothing that could stop a woman’s fury and her car.

The ladies watched the plane fall. While Michellee watched it with her binoculars, EB still held the unicopter’s remote control.

“Are you still sure about this, mom?” asked EB with a thread of voice

“Sure! your plan was good but you forget a little detail to make it work” said as she scrawled with a stick at full speed on the ground “and that’s maths…. and according to my calculations, the plane will crash strategically there” she said as she pointed out the biggest monument in the city: the Mount Jell-O Everest.

Shortly after she finished her sentence, the shocking echo of the fall was heard. It was a viscous and disgusting sound. Apparently, the result of the equation ended with half mountain destroyed and a plane sunk in the jelly body.

It seemed as if time had stopped a few seconds before the deadly impact on the ground. It was still visible the expressions and screams of terror from all the passengers. A few seconds later, they understood that they were safe and began to applaud and cheer.

“Wow, I didn’t know math could be so cool” said EB with sparkling eyes that shone with admiration and pride

It was then that they heard a different applause from the airplane crowd, a slower and sarcastic applause playing behind their backs.

“Beautiful!” exclaimed the cat as he floated with his rocket hat, things clung to his feet and hung ridiculously 

“That’s a great way to make a huge impact!” the feline laughed at his own joke

"EB stay behind me” said the mother standing firmly and facing the cat with the decision of protect her daughter no matter what 

“You” she furiously said while she pointed at him, “You are the most vile and repulsive being of all time"

“Aww, stop it! Do you always flirt with your enemy? Because flattery will get you everywhere darling. For example, you can crash at my place whenever you want” replied the cat winking his eye fliterious

“I will crash my car through your damn door!” Screamed angrily Michellee

“Wait...are you even serious?” genuinely asked EB

“EB what did I told you about interacting with dangerous criminals? Don’t interfere with this adult talk” 

“Oh, but it would be so rude not to answer” said the cat playfully “You see, I’m never serious, little sidekick” he smiled at the girl, his teeth were dull and white, they could have been in perfect advertising. However, his sarcasm and attitude were terrifying

The mother took the child from his sight “She’s not a sidekick” shouted her indignantly

“So, tell me sweetie” said turning his attention to the beautiful lady “do you come here often or only when you’re crashing planes?”

A shoe slamming into his face was the imminent response

“I’ll take that as a no”

“I can’t believe it! You almost killed my boyfriend by throwing him off a plane, you insulted my daughter and now you have the gall to flirt with me?”

“I know. I’m so charming!”

Michellee lost her patience, groaned desperate as she threw her last shoe. The cat dodged it without any difficulty with a mocking smile. The woman didn’t give up so easily and tried to attack him by jumping while stretching her arms or collecting more objects and throwing them at him. But all was in vain, could not cause any harm, the cat quickly dodged his hands and flew far enough away that she could not reach him. The cat couldn’t help but looked at her with a certain tenderness, she was adorable when she was angry.

The cat went over with the new information he had: there was a boyfriend and a daughter. He was sure it was relations he could exploit in the future. Clearly, the beautiful lady was careless enough to release such important information to a villain of his level,which meant that she was unfamiliar with the villain world. Maybe she was a rookie or maybe she wasn’t a criminal at all. It wouldn’t be the first time an ordinary person performed a great terrorist act. After all, there’s nothing more dangerous than an average person with repressed anger. The villain hummed thoughtfully, as the gears of his head began to concoct a new evil plan.

Suddenly, the terrible noise of the police sirens were heard while the place was contaminated with blue and red relapagues.

“STOP RIGHT THERE” the distorted police voice was heard from the speaker

The cat came out of his mental stupor and stared at the new scenario: police cars were scattered creating a perfect circle, and each window was filled with a cop holding a gun. Definitely, the game was over for now.

“I’d love to stay and chat honey but it’s time for me to go” said goodbye the cat by throwing a kiss. "By the way, good luck with jail!" laughed the feline as he fired his rocket at maximum power

“Jail?” Asked indignant Michellee

The cat never responded. A tremendous flare quickly propelled him away from the danger and the lady. Soon the whistles of bullets arrived, but it was already too late, the cat had become a point that was lost among the clouds.

“Ma'am we need you to come with us to the police station" said the policeman’s voice as he approached as courteously as he could

Michellee stared at the uproar with glassy eyes.

Her surprised daughter still held in her hand the remote control of the unicopter prototype, they were surrounded by policemen, the pavement where the car had gone through was still burning and the plane was crashed into the Jell-O mountain. They were all safe but at the same time they were all fucked up. 

She sighed resigned as they both entered the car.

She really was gonna need a good lawyer.


	6. Criminal Trial

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'M ALIVE!!  
Sorry for the long hiatus guys, I was working in some personal projects (i'm working on a comic project, you can see my instagram to check it out @Leikovart) and I was also trying to get a job.....anyways, time flies and I'm sorry... Hope you enjoy this long chapter

Michellee had never been in a trial before, she never had legal problems until that moment. She was a good citizen, paid her debts and taxes on time and donated money to charities. Yet, even in her ignorance she knew that everything was unusual. They didn’t let her make an emergency call at the police station, didn’t ask her any questions, and now she was on her way to a trial without any lawyer. She complained, snorted and screamed but the guards remained indifferent.

The doors opened and she felt a knot in her stomach as she saw the large public and jury members, so many bags of meat disguised as people. What was particularly striking about the situation was that as soon as she entered the room, everyone stood up and clapped for her. She tried to explain the strange act, maybe they considered her a hero, she had saved a whole plane, maybe she had a chance to clear her name after all. 

Before she sat down she discerned in the crowd her daughter who was making incomprehensible gestures. The mother greeted her shyly and sat in the assigned place, if only she hadn’t sat so quickly or had paid a little more attention, she would have seen before the danger that hovered over them. She didn’t even notice that a member of the public took his daughter and covered her mouth with his bare hands. 

The judge entered the courtroom, it was a fox in socks, his silver mane showed off his old age as well as his gait showed his moodiness. He walked slowly in resentful steps before the bench. Michellee gasped nervously while the audience burst into an ever-louder applause and celebration. Some people even took up arms and shot into the ceiling.

"Silence, stop this violence" bellowed dryly the Fox in Socks

And as if his words were a spell, the crowd suddenly fell silent.

All was tremendly weird, but even weirder was that the prosecutor was none other than the cat in the hat.

"What the hell is he doing here? He’s a criminal" Michellee screamed desperately

Everyone, the people, the cat and even the judge began to laugh madly at the comment as if it were the best joke in the world.

"Oh darling, can’t you notice? This is a criminal trial" replied the sarcastic cat voice

"That’s not how justice works" the poor lady said stunned

"Honey, you’re in Jellytown, the land of fraud and tax havens. You basically broke into the land of criminals, you broke the national money-laundering emblem, Jell-O Everest Mountain." his yellow eyes were glowing dangerously " and I’m afraid you don’t even have a criminal lawyer to defend your case" concluded the cat as he pointed at her with a claw

The terror paralyzed her for a moment, she didn’t know what to do. Michellee felt like she was in a terrible nightmare where she couldn’t wake up. People around her just laughed, she watched the scene almost anesthetized. All hope was lost.

Suddenly, the door slammed open, the crowd gasped in surprise as the unmistakable sound of heels against the floor was heard. Even Michelle gasped at the terrible costume, she contemplated the cheap makeup, the purple clothes and the two oranges clumsily placed under the clothes to simulate a female breast.

"I wouldn’t be so sure mister" said the knox as he walked around in the hottest clothes of all summer "Dr. Linda Schwartz at your orders!" exclaimed Sam as he sat at Michellee’s table with a professional shamelessness.

"What are you doing here?" exclaimed even more confused the poor woman

"Oh dear, you can’t recognize your lawyer when you see her? Sorry for the delay! The traffic is terrible since someone blew up the jail"

Some villains laughed at the comment, Michellee turned around just in time to watch how Guy was sitting shyly in the crowd.Their eyes met, and she smiled relieved. Just for a split second, his mere presence eased the tension of that crazy circus disguised as a legal trial.

The spell was broken as soon as the Knox opened his mouth

"wow, I haven’t seen so many criminals since the tweetle beetles battle with paddles in a puddle" exclaimed cheerfully Sam without losing the character

Michellee remembered again where she was and how fucked up she was. She was no longer trying to understand the situation, she resigned herself to the absurdity of the situation and took her head in her hands.

"Who is the lady that came kicking the front door?  
I have never seen her before" the hoarse voice of the Fox in Socks roared 

"Yes, you did  
You had met that little creep  
he is shifters the trickster  
My darling thing number three" replied the Cat in the Hat

"Shifters the trickster?" Michellee asked quietly

"Is my villain name" whispered Sam breaking the character for a brief second

Michellee should have been surprised to know that Sam was a villain, but she was so overwhelmed, everything was so fucking strange that the statement seem normal to her. Logical even. Sam the nice Knox who stole wallets as easily as he changed his clothes or name. The cheerful man who used people in his plans without ever ceasing to smile and who on more than one occasion mentioned that one of the best green eggs with ham that he ate was in a prison.... Yes, in retrospect you could say it was obvious.

"He? But It looks like she?" asked the Fox in Socks as his shaky index finger pointed to Sam

"No, is a disguise  
Can’t you recognise?  
My successor, the boy that can’t rhyme" explained desperately the cat but the fox continued with his imperturbable pose of bewilderment "the one who left the crime" concluded

The word "Successor" gave Michelle a chill all over her back. The puzzle was clearer but horribly sinister. Of course Sam had to have some relationship with the cat to get him involved in such a way…

The information finally reached the fox’s head, the lucidity weighed on his shoulders and his eyes shone with anger

"Ohh that one!  
Jesús, what have you done?  
Don’t you remember what I speak?  
I knew at the slightest peek  
That the boy was a freak too weak  
And that he could creak any week  
But no you said, he looks so bleak and meek  
he can be teached how to sneak  
he can be teached how to steal  
and now he turn on one's heel!”

"Is my fault then?  
Is not like he's ten,  
I can't responsabilise for what he has chosen" The cat replied furiously 

"Well, you rise him little pim"

"He raised you?" Michelle asked between whispers to Sam

"Is a long story" Sam sigh heavily 

"It sure is" she answered annoyed "are they going to be all time rhyming? it’s maddening" growled Michellee in low voice "oh, no! now I’m rhyming too?!"

"Hush, hush dear. You can’t be mad with them for that" said Sam as he painted his lips with the delicacy of a drunken painter with a fat brush "they do more terrible things than that...the rhymes here are like the student-teacher firm" sentenced as he finished the makeup and throwed a playful kiss in the air

"what?"

"yeah, just like I was the cat’s pupil, he was the fox’s pupil"

"again, what?"

"Oh right, you weren’t in the plane"

"No, I wasn’t Sam. It seems that I’m not so important to be in your new adventures"

"Is another long story.... but look on the bright side, you’re already in"

“Great, now get me out of here” 

“Working in that m’lady”

The crowd gossiped to silence their voices, none of the villains present wanted to miss the dialogue between the fox and the cat, who in the meantime continued to fight and rhyme with a ferocity of angry rappers

"Yes, It’s your fault his result as an adult" shouted the Fox in Socks

"Are you kidding me?  
Is not like I could the future see!" The cat bellowed

"You always have a weakness for him  
And you had gone far out on a limb  
Now, the spoiled brat doesn't worth your salt  
And everybody must pay your fault  
Because of all this you call a halt!"

The cat was mute in the face of a fatal split second and the crowd celebrated and triumphed over the fox

For the second time in the day Michellee smiled when she saw the cat blush and look shyly at the ground like a little boy. A happiness quite similar to revenge flooded her heart.

“Gentlemen, please behave. We’re not here to discuss my case” Sam stormed in front of both of them, his waist wobbled in sexy circular motions trying to hide how one of the oranges on his chest had fallen to the ground

The Cat in the hat quickly picked the orange between his hands and began to play dangerously with his claws.

"perhaps we are  
This could be a good spar" he replied while he was nailing the skin of the orange making it bleed its juice

In Michellee’s mind, one idea flows freely into the next, assembling a chain of well-crafted thoughts held together by a thread... all the past with Sam, the Jenkins case, everything took on a new light... Sam wanted to left the villainy, but apparently villany doesn’t want to let him go... the situation was clearly unfavorable for them

Lawyer and client were waiting for the next attack in a crazy and senseless trial

"The trial will consist of two parts: on the one hand the trial to the lady" said the fox while pointing to Michellee "and on the other a proof of authenticity of criminality of his lawyer" his finger was addressed to Sam

“What if we disagree with all this madness?” Michellee asked indignant 

The fox smiled sweetly at her while the rest of the jury merely drew their weapons and pointed at them in response

"What did you say?  
We can shot you now and call it a day" 

Michelle immediately silenced her comments

The trial began and the jury members were watching the scene with the same dedication that the crows watch their next dinner.

The cat continued to lick his orange juice-soaked claws as he stared Michellee straight in the eyes. He smiled lasciviously.

"Is show time baby" said the feline as he threw a kiss at her. Michellee growled annoyingly looking the other way

The cat pulled a ball out of his hat and climbed on it while juggling the papers

"The list of infractions and physics contradictions  
that miss Michelle did  
It's huge indeed 

But before we applause  
We should remember  
that she broke the 45b Clause"

"45b Clause?" Asked Michellee

"Ruin another criminal's plan" quickly explained her lawyer

"Not only once, twice!  
In A Trice  
She ruined my hostage situation  
And bim and ben's blackmail operation  
Now they're suffering nervous prostration" At the end of his accusation the cat came down from the ball and bowed. Members of the jury put up signals with the score of "7" and "8" as if it were a mere beauty contest. Some villains clapped, others yawned.

Two Who with feline features, yellow fur and blue suits were called to the stand. They look identical to each other, which is why their respective names were written on their clothes: Bim and Ben. They stood and sat at the same time, seeming for a brief second as if they were Siamese siblings. The visual effect was creepy.

"We just wanted to blackmail the government, threaten them that if they didn’t give us money we would blow up the national monument," Bim said as he wiped his tears with a handkerchief "it was a sophisticated plan,were we planning years ago, imagine Mr. Fox sir, our face when we saw the plane crash into the mountain when we had already bought the explosives. What will we do now with those 100 units of explosives?" Exclaimed Ben with a feigned voice of pain capable of getting him a job in ar soap opera

"You can always use them to destroy other important monuments" Sam interrupted him

"It will take us months to find such an exploitable new monument!!" Bim answered by blowing his snot with tears in her eyes “that's why we demand emotional compensation. We want 30% of the capital that will come from Miss Michellee’s next three misdeeds'' 

“There will be no next misdeeds!" Michellee screamed furiously

"But that’s not all" the cat continued, "It’s notorious that Michellee did a better job than two professional villains, which is why I argued that this is not an ordinary case. This is the case of an unlicensed villain". 

The cat dangerously approached the table of the defendant "a woman newly initiated in the underworld" a mechanical hand emerged from his hat and took forcefully Michellee’s wrist forcing her to stand and turn around "who clearly needs a guide, a teacher to help her reach her full potential...maybe someone tall and handsome, someone with feline charms" a new mechanical hand sprouted from the hat offering a bouquet of flowers.

Michellee threw the bouquet over his head "I never met anyone more sick, fucked up, crazy and horrible like you"

"Stop seducing me in front of such an audience is shameful!"

“I swear I’m going to kill you!”

“Yes, yes, that’s exactly the kind of things I want to encourage you. Embrace your anger, turn yourself in a killing earthquake”

Sam watched disoriented the scene "what the hell are you doing?" He said with a visceral sincerity "I thought this was a trap for me"

"Jealous?" the cat said sarcastically and came to whisper into his ears " I know more of your friends than you think  
Michellee is the seed of doom  
To mr boom" He said while he gestured with his fingers a silent countdown of 3...2 ...1....

“STOP IT!” shouted a distant and lost point among the crowd

Sam recognized the voice immediately and felt the vertigo of not being able to stop the cat’s evil plan. Like in the old days, the cat played with everyone, people, their feelings and nothing could be done to prevent it. Once again he felt the age-old frustration of being less than a person, he was again Thing Number 3, a doomed pawn in a sinister chess game, with no will or vote. Helplessness accumulated like tears in his eyes. A spark of anger turned into resistance and he clenched his fists vehemently. No, he still had to fight it. He wiped his tears, he was no longer a child, he was an adult and he owned his destiny.

“I know what you are doing” said Guy "because you can’t take him, you want to take her. Why can’t you notice that you can’t force anyone to be something they’re not? Michelle is not an unlicensed villain, she’s a hero who took desperate measures".

The crowd gasped in unison with utter displeasure at the word hero, their eyes riveted menacingly and dangerously upon them.

"That man isn’t Michelle’s lawyer, nor was he called to the stand. His words don’t represent us" Sam screamed quickly with a great defensive strategy “now, could you please gentleman sit in your respective seat and let the lawyer do her job." Despite the polite tone, the confrontation between them was evident.

Guy sat again slowly, despite staring defiantly at Sam, he didn’t utter a word

"But he's right i'm not a villain" exclaimed Michellee

"So you are accepting the maximum penalty by acclaiming your innocence?" the cat asked avidly 

"Mr. Fox sir, my client doesn’t know how a criminal trial works, because she indeed isn’t a villain."

The crowd gasped

"But she’s not a hero either."

"Dr. Linda Schwartz there is a hole in your defense  
your argument makes no sense" exclaimed the Fox in Socks  
"If she is neither a hero or a villain  
Then I want to hear how you explain  
How could she make a terrorist attack?  
Without any moral holding her back”

"She’s an ordinary person who, desperate for the lives of her loved ones, broke a couple of rules here and there. That’s all!"

"I don’t hear it’s very different from what the other one said about being a hero" the cat snorted

"Of course there are differences, a hero seeks the common good of all without seeking anything in return. This was a selfish and desperate act. She didn’t care that half the city was destroyed for her rescue, just as she wouldn’t care if the rest of the passengers drowned in jelly and died. Nothing matters as long as the people she went to rescue don’t die."

The villains stopped, murmured thoughtfully, as if they were ruminating the words

Michelle got up angrily, this was too much "You fucking ungrateful hairball!” said pointing to Sam “I did everything to save you, I put my daughter in danger, I lost my car and now I’m going to jail or worse and you call me selfish? I should kill you and cut you into tiny little pieces and mail them all over this filthy country to see if any of them got to your mother!"

"You see! Not a Hero!" Sam cheerfully bellowed as the villains enthusiastically applauded "Your Honor, the defense rests."

"Not so fast!" said the Cat in the Hat  
"I demand call the witness, the Lorax to the stand”

A villain made him take the oath "Swear to tell the truth that is most convenient to him at the right time?"

“Yes, I swear” the Lorax replied nervously while he exchanged glances with the cat, who was still threatening him by holding a picture of trees and a lighter dangerously close

“STOP! I’m bored of all this artificial trial” yawned the old fox  
“Dr. Linda unlock a deadlock, a gray area for both  
So let's do something that my time worth 

A test of criminally authenticity of her lawyer  
Let's see darling, if you're still a gold crawler  
Just for this special occasion  
I will tell you two where is the gold location”

“Wait a minute, what do you mean by you two?” asked alarmed Sam

“I wonder...who will win the first position  
In a bribe competition  
the traitor or his creator?”

Said the fox with an evil smile full of old, yellowish teeth, the cat replied with an identical smile. His words weighed as chains for Sam, because he knew perfectly well what kind of “game” they have in mind.... and it wasn’t good news...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooo quick opinion poll: what do you think of the ship Cat in the Hat x Michellee?  
All this started as a joke.... but now is getting deeper and deeper....who knows where it could go?

**Author's Note:**

> Please if you like send kudos and comments, it always encourage me to continue this crazy things!! 
> 
> By the way, english is not my natural lenguage, if you find some errors please tell me so I can correct them....
> 
> I'm also searching for a beta if someone wants to participe <3


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